CHAPTER TWO

Half an hour ago, I was wondering with you how I am now consciously sharing constant conceptual and cellular space and time with my invisible bodymind experiences... and then asking: experientially, what does that actually mean for me right now?

What does it bodymind-feel like to be close with experiences?

What does invisible bodymind relational move like?

I bodymind-feel: in-movement.

In-movement.

In-movement.

In-movement.

So much movement in my in-bed, awake, eyes closed, sick invisible bodymind stillness.

Stillness... bed as a place... laying down in the one place for a long time as a vantage point and staying so stubbornly and lovingly with my invisible bodymind shows me these movements. There was a long moment that helped me understand more fully.

In my bedroom, I have a small fiddle leaf fig. Through tiredness, boredom, pain and restlessness, my eyes fix loosely on the plant many times during the day. It is the next alive thing in this room with me most of the time. Me and the fiddle leaf fig together during the day. Over days and days. Over a year and a half. The plant has slow changing volumes of shadows. I love watching these shadow shapes just as much as the plant.

In the beginning of our time together, the room is mostly always dark so the shadows are strict with only a muffled moving sun that reaches into the room through closed curtains. One quiet source of quiet light. After many months... I open some of the curtains. Not full direct light yet. It feels too much for my brain and my eyes and my limbs and my stomach. I slightly open the end of the curtain that is most far away from me and I slightly open where the curtains meet in the middle.  The plant shadows change. They are echoed soft static multiples of shadows. Sudden simultaneous shapes from one source. They are articulations of conjoinment as well as individual offerings. The edges blurring. I watch these loose forms every day and I feel them deep in my brain and deep in my belly. I feel like these forms. Stillness that is also in-movement. In-movement. In-movement. So much movement in my in-bed, awake, eyes closed, sick invisible bodymind stillness. And I am hit with a kind of lovely, foggy, curious clarity.

Centering my invisible bodymind: that is the plant.

The multiple light sources opening in the curtains around me are my growing morphing perceptions afforded through exploring relational complexity from within my invisible bodymind and from staying in constant conversation with my everyday unseens.

This deep belly noticing is not about the "shadows" but about the expressions of a once static rigid form, with static rigid expressions, shifting into a form offering multiple moving porous volumes. It is about the emerging polyrhythmic wriggling invisible bodymind and everyday unseen experiential composites now within my in-bed, awake, eyes closed, sick stillness.

And I do think about it.

I think-feel about it.

What is within the shifting? 

 From here and now, I see this was happening...

If noticing is a lens, invisible bodymind centering is altering the functions of my lens.

I have been growing an invisible bodymind research lens within me.

Illness makes a research lens within you.

The aperture of a lens is where the light comes in.

Invisible bodymind noticing grows multiple apertures.

My invisible bodymind centred lens grows multiple lenses inside of it.

My growing invisible bodymind lenses are relational (Figure 1).

I notice through and with the interdependent.

Holding everyday place and meaning for everyday unseens grows and reveals multiple apertures also.

Apertures that are formed by piercing and tearing holes through the thick veil of the Visible and its limiting conditioning and reasoning of noticing.

The idea of bodymind itself is collapsing two medical and Cartesian binaries into a dynamic whole. My dynamic dysfunctional autonomic triggers, responses and symptoms break apart noticing lenses that move in the way of the "good" body, "good" mind, like one-after-the-other phases from pre-cognitive to eventual full body experiences, linear movements of self, separated lenses of understanding. Bodymind complexity has dissolved my inherent "good" body bias mechanics of my noticing. The gentle layering of dissolving porous thresholds is how my relational feels. And these feelings share the ideas of how this might be happening and of how it is wanting to be expressed. Each crease in the photos of my blankets are to share the sense of moments of motion and movement while the lens slowly closes.